It’s been a while since I picked up my camera and expressed my creativity … 2 years in fact, and for those 2 years, and maybe a bit longer if I’m honest, I’ve had this niggling voice deep inside me thats been calling from the shadows ‘Hey remember me? Can I come back out yet?’ and I’ve replied ‘No, not yet I’m too busy’ or I’ve given my ‘self’ the idle promise of ‘Yes, yes … soon’
When I eventually gave myself some real time to tap into my creativity, I was greeted with this overwhelming feeling of coming home, finding my balance. I’ll be honest, I was so relieved, as for a long time I have felt dis-connected to the part of myself that ignites me and I kept thinking that I’d lost ‘it‘ – what ever ‘it‘ maybe, or worst still, that it had actually left me after getting fed up of waiting for some attention. From the moment the shoot started I knew it was still there and it rose to the surface in all its glory, filling me with the sense of ‘self’ I’d somehow forgotten, flaming my creative spark and bringing my passion flooding back. It was ready to come out and play, and with no mention of our separation, no guilt or making me work for it … it was just there, laughing with me, pushing me, and when I needed time to blow the dust off my creative genes, settle in and catch up, it gave me that time, when I wanted the rush … it rushed. It was just it and as the day moved forward, I picked up momento and got into my flow. I felt my ‘self’ light up and as creativity flowed freely through me … it returned.
It wasn’t long before the noise of life got in the way again however, and I put it to the back burner. Whether I was conciously aware of it or not, I put what lights me up to the bottom of lifes pile … again.
There’s a few things I’ve been trying to achieve this year, when I put my mind to something I will do whatever is in my power to make it happen. My Mother always made me and my siblings live by the rule ‘if you wan’t something bad enough you’ll make it happen … won’t you?’ and if we never made it happen and were feeling decidely sorry for ourselves she’d say ‘well you didn’t want it bad enough then, did you’. A saying I found annoying as a child, screamingly frustrating as a teenager and young adult but the most amazing gift as the grown up child I now am, but I digress. After one of the worst years of my life, I promised myself I’d achieve three things this 2016, and as the year comes to a close, with another birthday passed, I sit and look over what I had so determindly set out to achieve this year yet somehow I feel like I’ve let my ‘self’ down. Now I know I’ve ploughed my way through alot this year, and had some amazing achievements too, but I can’t help feeling that I haven’t made my priorities my priority.
We’ve all got them haven’t we, our hopes, goals and dreams and I dont think mine are particularly different to anyone elses, most of us want that significant other in their lives, we want to feel good about ourselves and spend time doing the things that lights us up inside.
My Big Three
1: That the Man of my Dreams would find me and I would be open to letting him into my life. After a few years of looking, and failing miserabley, I’d decided point blank, that I would not peep through those curtains of dating again – not an inch. I never had a specific look in mind for ‘The Man of My Dreams’, apart from the tall dark and handsome bit and the exceedingly long list I’d put together ready for whenever anyone asked me, so what was the point of looking anyway. Much to the annoyance of my friends, who would often tell me I wanted the impossible. One thing I did know was that when he finally did come he would bring this feeling of inexplicable completion. Well, he literally walked into my life earlier this year, and yes, please don’t cringe, but as the age old cliche goes ‘when I was least expecting it’. He sort of plonked himself right in front of me, managed to blurt out a sentence or two that consisted of him telling me (with a few profanities mixed in) that he was no good at chat up lines, ‘damn’ he had no idea what he was meant to say now and ‘ah what the hell’ as he proceeded to hold out his hand for me to shake, clinging to his almost empty drink with his other hand for support. For a moment I just looked at him, annoyed that he’d so uncerimoniously interrupted the personal space that I was so desperately trying to cling onto as my own. It was the end of the most horrific six weeks, my cousins murder trial, and I was in no mood for anyone, let alone this man who had no idea how to chat up a woman. But when I looked at him again, through eyes that were not focusing on the hurt that I was feeling, I saw this unsophicated honesty and lack of pretention, and suddenly everything that was so wrong with the moment became so very, very right. I laughed, and realised that the only thing I had to do in that moment was take his hand and shake it back … so I did, I laughed again and I haven’t stopped laughing since, and every day I’m with him, I’m reminded just how lucky I am.
2: Lose the weight I’ve put on (funnily enough since I put what lights me up to the bottom of the pile the weight has crept up) I’ve managed to put on more weight than I care to admit and have managed to lose a grand total of a 1/2 pound with lots of yo yoing in between. I turn up to the weekly group meetings, stand on the scales, yay or nay myself depending on what they say, leave and get bogged down by the importance and urgency of everything else that’s going on around me, and once again, like my creativity, healthy eating goes to the bottom of that very big pile and put on the back burner. Totally fed up with myself, and not wanting to reach the end of this year without making a dent into my promised weight loss (with the thought that there is now only 4 weeks to go to the next year looming over my head) I reached out for help at my local slimming world group. The support, understanding and embrace of friendship that enveloped me, along with the self acceptance that came in that day, was so powerful it spurred me into instant action, to take back control … to think about me, my wants and needs. Now I’m back on it, making time to think about what I’m eating, to make that all important lifestyle change that so many of us promise ourselves we will do, yet never get round to doing. And I know if I fall off that wagon of healthy eating … there’s some very lovely ladies out there in my ‘friday family’ who are ready to catch me when I fall and remind me that I’m supposed to be riding that wagon of healthy eating rather than being dragged behind it.
3: Get creative for me again and do more things that light me up … inspire others, make the book I’ve been dreaming of finishing a priority along with my cards … the reality is I’m only 20 more pages into something that if I died tomorrow I would feel cheated for not having had the time to complete, which goes against all my values. it also means I’d have to come back and do this all over again, and whilst I have some of the most beautiful people in my life, life is all about moving forwards together and not staying on its merry go round. I have a deep desire to leave a legacy behind for my children and those who can benefit from the lessons I’ve learnt from the experiences life asked me to take. I want to help create positive change in someone elses world. But I’ve not put my cards together and I haven’t put my ‘self’ out there. I reached out for help again and it came in the form of my coach, and as she always does, she rocked up, looked me straight in the eye and asked me ‘why is everything you want at the bottom of your pile?’ reminding me that boundaries have once again shifted … she then ended our session with my own words, nicely directed back at me in the form of a little question to mull over until we meet again … ‘what are you waiting for?’
Such a big question, and one that I often ask others. I took a whole 48 hours of me time and thought about that question and alot more besides. It dawned on me that it was I who had left it, the thing that I had felt was missing, and not the other way round, I had turned away from my light and in turning away had cast my own shadow on some of my own dreams. I hadn’t made me a priority, I hadn’t fuelled my own fire, reminding myself that if I cant fuel my own fire … how can I possibly bring warmth to those around me. So I’ve decided to take out some of life’s noise, pop that onto that back burner that I’m so good at stocking up and start burning some new fuel to light my own fire.
Life Lesson 262 “The world needs you to be YOU right now … shine and light up the darkness around you”